notsocommon | for John

Entry tags:

john,
tabula rasa

for John

Helen wasn't exactly the sort of person to avoid someone for a length of time except, well, when it came to John Druitt. He was the exception to most of her rules and since the disappearance of Joan last month (or not-disappearance, as it turned out) Helen had kept her distance. Feeling for even a moment that John might have betrayed her was too much to think about and having gotten so close to him again, it hurt to think he'd still hunt and kill women the way he had when they were younger.

It had made things strained with Will, too, and Helen obviously had more of an investment in preserving her relationship with her husband over rekindling a friendship with her ex and that had taken time. She had come to the labs to see Nikola, catch him for a chat and a cup of tea, but seeing John arrested her in her tracks.

"Ah, right. I should have known you'd make your way down here eventually. Have you seen Nikola?"

Damn, but this was awkward. Helen hated being anything but poised and perfect and, worse, she knew John would more than likely pick up on her discomfort. He knew her far too well.

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"Hello, Helen."

John's voice was soft, almost painfully formal. He'd gone looking for Helen since the island changed from London, since he had been under investigation for the disappearance of Joan. He had hoped to find someone who could calm him, who could reassure him and who didn't look at him and wonder if he had really done it.

Unfortunately, he hadn't found that escape. Not in Helen, and not in anyone else. She had been avoiding him and it wasn't hard for John to figure out why. Helen thought that he might have done it and didn't want to face that. The one person he thought that might have faith in him didn't, and it was almost too painful to bear.

"And I have not seen him recently. I am sure you'll find him soon, he always has a habit of turning up."

"He does, yes. Cheeky bugger," Helen said, smiling. It didn't quite reach her eyes, though, because she was still a bit cagey around John. Joan had turned up all right and John was innocent but even having that newfound faith shaken by a false alarm had made Helen nervous all over again.

"No matter. You look...you look nice, John. I haven't seen you with hair in decades. Just bored of shaving, I guess?"

How completely and utterly inane.

"I thought I would try something new, since the necessity for being so clean shaven his gone now."

It was nice to hear the compliment, but it seemed hollow to him, mild pleasantries that she might be saying without really meaning them, or at least really thinking about them.

"Is there a message I can leave for Nikola? Though I can't assure you he'll believe that it's really from you. Apparently I'm not the most trustworthy of sources. Maybe it's best you don't leave a note. If it gets lost through no fault of my, everyone will assume I had a hand in it anyway, won't they?"

"I didn't think that, John," Helen said softly, wounded. It was no less than she deserved, though, and she sighed to try and ease some of the tension she felt in her shoulders and neck.

"For what it's worth, I'm quite sorry. I've been avoiding most everyone because I haven't been able to sort out my feelings. Even Will's seen little of me these past weeks."

"Ahhh, so you've been avoiding me because you had difficulty with the fact that you knew I was innocent," John said. He could tell that what he had said hurt her, but this time John had actually been in the right.

"Are you quite finished putting words in my mouth?" Helen asked, voice a bit tense. Truthfully, tears weren't far and she would prefer to be on the other side of the island and not in front of John if she was going to cry. The last thing she wanted was for John Druitt to see her cry.

"If you see Nikola, do tell him I asked about him. Feel free to twist my words into whatever you'd like me to actually say to him, I can pick up the pieces later."

"Helen, I'm sorry," he said, seeing how deeply he had wounded her. It still didn't excuse her avoiding him, but John was forced to accept that maybe it had something to do with more than just how she felt about him.

"I should not have done that. I am sorry that you were feeling the need to avoid so many people."

"For whatever it is worth, I never thought you hurt that woman. I believed you. I simply felt it best to stay out of it to reduce tensions between myself and my husband. I care about you, John, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my marriage or continually put your welfare above that of Will's."

Helen tipped head back in a vain attempt to stave of tears of frustration. "For that, I am sorry. I've missed your company dearly even if it has meant Will and I have been happier together."

"I understand, I would never ask you to make your relationship with me a problem in your marriage," he said. He wouldn't ask her to, but he couldn't say that he'd never want it.

"Your happiness is more important to me than anything else, Helen. I cannot hold anything against you if it truly makes you happy."

"Surely there must be some sort of compromise," Helen said quietly, voice still a bit cracked from trying not to cry and mostly succeeding. "John, forgive me, I've gotten upset and I don't want to cry in public."

Or in front of him but he'd seen it before, at least.

"Could you take me somewhere private? Please?"

"Of course, come, let's go for a walk," he said, offering her his arm. He wanted to hug her, to pull her close and promise that he would find a way to make it all okay, but that wasn't his right and it would only make things more uncomfortable for Helen.

Helen took his arm and sighed, falling into step with him. It was natural enough even though it'd been years since she'd been arm in arm with John Druitt.

"Sorry, I just need for them not to see me cry. I've just been so frustrated of late and my emotions are everywhere."

"This way," he said, gently ushering her out of the area and using his size to shield her from anyone that might see her. If he could have shielded her from the pain she was feeling, he would have done that too.

"Just a short ways."

"So grateful," Helen said softly, giving him a watery sort of smile. "Looking like a fool in front of the entire island lab staff wasn't my idea of a good day."

She drew imperceptibly closer, comfortable with him for the first time in a long while.

"No one would think you a fool," he reassured her. He knew she would feel that way, but he also knew that no one would think so.

"But you do look like you could use a hug."

It was as subtle an offer as he could make. As much as he would have liked to just be able to hug her when she needed it, he knew that there were boundaries there.

"I could, yes," Helen admitted, giving him a sheepish sort of smile. "Will's not here, which I would prefer, but you don't suppose it breaches friendly lines to offer a hug, do you?"

She could and did hug Nikola often enough. This wasn't any different, was it?

"I feel that's something you're more qualified to answer than I am," John said. She was the one that was setting the rules, she essentially held on the power as far was what happened when.

"But I would like to give you one, if that would be alright."

Helen nodded. "I think a hug won't go remiss in this particular moment, no. And I don't think an embrace has ever been quite so discussed before, has it? You'd think we were negotiating a nuclear arms treaty, as cagey as we are about it."

Understandably so, though, and Helen made the first move and slid her arms around him.

John wrapped his arms around Helen and held her tight to him, offering her all the comfort he could give. John was more than willing to give as much of himself as possible to Helen, or at least as much as she was realistically willing to take.

"I'm sorry things have been so hard on you," he said, resting his head on hers for a moment. It was such a familiar gesture, even after all these years, that it was hard not to think about what it would be like to have this every day.

"This too shall pass," Helen said softly, squeezing him for a moment before stepping back. It wasn't the same as hugging Will, no, but it was exactly what she needed at the moment. She and John could hurt one another more deeply than any other people Helen had ever known and she had to wonder if it was because there was no grey area with them, no in between. Too volatile.

"Tea? I don't want Will to see me upset when I go home."

"Tea sounds lovely. I'm afraid we will have to settle for one of the pubs here, as my home is a bit of a distance," he confessed. Not an entirely convenient place, but it suited him and he was rather pleased with it. Of course, her home was out of the question, he knew better than to suggest that.

"I can make it for us in the kitchen," Helen promised. "I might be a mess at the moment but I'm English. Even in the midst of the Blitz, I could make tea. Damn good tea, at that. Of course, you were probably in the Luftwaffe bombing us, weren't you?"

John gave a tight smile that was more a wince. It seemed as if Helen was making him pay for his earlier comments, although he doubted that it was on purpose.

"You have always been exceptional at making tea. I think it was your natural aptitude for chemistry."

"Explains why James always made dreadful tea, then," Helen said, giggling. "And we won't even call Nikola's attempts actual tea. Yours was always good, though. One would think you were trying to impress a certain someone with tea making, hmm?"

"I did quite a number of things to impress a certain someone," John admitted, although he doubted that it was really surprise to her. Helen had been his entire world. Everything had involved her some way or another.

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