notsocommon | for John

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john,
tabula rasa

for John

Helen wasn't exactly the sort of person to avoid someone for a length of time except, well, when it came to John Druitt. He was the exception to most of her rules and since the disappearance of Joan last month (or not-disappearance, as it turned out) Helen had kept her distance. Feeling for even a moment that John might have betrayed her was too much to think about and having gotten so close to him again, it hurt to think he'd still hunt and kill women the way he had when they were younger.

It had made things strained with Will, too, and Helen obviously had more of an investment in preserving her relationship with her husband over rekindling a friendship with her ex and that had taken time. She had come to the labs to see Nikola, catch him for a chat and a cup of tea, but seeing John arrested her in her tracks.

"Ah, right. I should have known you'd make your way down here eventually. Have you seen Nikola?"

Damn, but this was awkward. Helen hated being anything but poised and perfect and, worse, she knew John would more than likely pick up on her discomfort. He knew her far too well.

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"It suits me well enough. It is relatively private but my comings and goings are noticed by the guard at the entrance."

It wasn't how he would have preferred things to be, but after how things had happened when Joan disappeared, he thought that it was better to be safe than sorry.

"I regret that's actually a concern for you," Helen said softly.

"Because it shouldn't be. Everyone else on this island gets a blank slate, you ought to get one too. You hurt me more than any person has ever hurt me before, John, both physically and emotionally and yet...I feel I am the strongest advocate for your new life."

"It's quite alright. It's hardly even an inconvenience, merely choosing to be better safe than sorry."

John didn't like it, but he could understand the need for it. And he was appreciative for all the support that Helen was giving him.

"And I am thankful for your advocacy. It means a great deal to me."

"Ah, well, someone has to. Besides, if you were still mad, you'd have hurt me by now. You tried to control it, yes, but it always came out sooner rather than later and you've not so much as held my hand too tightly. I trust that you're all right."

Helen gave him a smile but it was somewhat tense around the edges. "You've never been one to play a game of cunning. It's more Nikola to hatch an elaborate plot to trick me, not you."

"That's because Nikola thinks he's more clever than you are and wants to prove it. I accepted a long time ago that I am not."

Nikola wasn't even as smart as he thought he was, let alone as brilliant as Helen. John couldn't imagine why she suffered Nikola's presence for so long, but it probably had something to do with the same reasons she had suffered his, which was a disturbing thought.

"You know where your bread's buttered, unlike Nikola," Helen said, beaming a bit. She did like knowing that one of the few people in the world she considered on par with her intelligence conceded that she was, in fact, quite clever. It was hard to remember on this island full of luminaries.

"Nikola needs to feel special. I do too, mind, but I'm a little more subtle about it. At least, I hope I am."

John was fairly sure that Nikola knew just where his bread was buttered as well, considering how Helen still treated the other man. John tried to make up for that as best he could though.

"You are vain at times," he said with a grin. "But you also have a generous heart."

"Ah, well, as long as we're being honest," Helen said, frowning a bit at being caught. Still, it was nothing but true and John didn't seem to be terribly annoyed that she was vain. And the bit about a generous heart, that was a lovely compliment and it made her smile a little.

"Will seems to put up with it. The vanity, that is."

"We all put up with it because you are a truly wonderful and good person, Helen," he said with a grin. For all of it, John wouldn't change a thing about her.

"And we like complimenting you and there is quite a bit to compliment, so it works out remarkably well."

"See? You've agreed with Will on something. There's hope yet," Helen said, laughing lightly at the thought. "Not that I ever expect you to have a chat over tea or anything but being cordial would be lovely, if you could stand it."

She fell a little quieter. "I do love him. Nikola seems to think it's just a phase or something but it isn't."

"Had it been under other circumstances, I believe I would have liked Will a great deal," John admitted. He reminded him of James, and perhaps John just missed his friend so much he would have taken a pale imitation of him, but Will reminded him a bit of James.

"And I know you're in love, Helen. And that you're happy."

"Perhaps you'll find the same, then? You deserve it," Helen said, giving him an awkward smile. It was strange, talking to John about his girlfriends or potential girlfriends but, really, it was selfish of her to have a hold on him when she'd moved on.

"All I ask is that you're good to her. I've no doubts you will be, you were always exceedingly kind to me before you went mad but...men these days are so much more callous than they were in our day. Your sort of chivalry is quite dead."

"Thank you, but I have no intention of looking for someone," he said, which was true. The chance that Will would just... disappear from the island was too great for him to pursue anyone else. Not that he would ever confess that to Helen though.

"I think there was one woman for me, and I was lucky enough to be with her for a short time."

"I wish you hadn't hurt me," Helen confessed. "But if you hadn't, I'd never have experienced some of the things that have made my life grand. We'd have stayed in England and had children and I'd never have been anything, would I?"

"I'm sorry you feel that wouldn't have been anything," John said softly, looking away from her. That would have been everything to John and to hear her say it was nothing hurt him more than he would have thought he was capable of hurting.

"But if that's the case, then I am glad you were able to do things you feel were grand."

It was hard not to think that maybe then it was best that things hadn't worked out. He would not have wanted Helen to feel like she wasn't anything, that her life wasn't grand.

"I should go though. I have... there are experiments I'm running and I would like to see how they're progressing..."

"Montague John Druitt, you are not running away from me," Helen said sharply, catching his wrist. Perhaps she shouldn't have said what she said exactly the way she'd said it but...

"You know as well as I do that, had we settled down together, I would have been bloody miserable. I was never cut out to be a Victorian wife, you know that. Unless you wanted us to travel about and meddle in history, I would have been bored no matter how much I loved you. I'm not meant to be in a gilded cage."

John had already started to rise when she caught his wrist, freezing him mid-stand. She was upset, but he had a feeling that she was more upset with herself and with him.

"I would have never expected you to be a Victorian wife," he said. "Had I wanted that, I would have married anyone else in the world. I never wanted to hold you back. You have never been anything less than extraordinary and all I wanted was a chance to share in that with a family. This is hard enough for me, please don't ask me to sit here while you explain how the one thing I wanted more than any other is something you consider a waste and are grateful never happened."

"Just go, John," Helen said, releasing his wrist. "Clearly being your friend is an impossible task if you insist on living in the past. I've moved on and I'm through with you in any sense other than as a dear friend. That's it."

She worked her lower lip lightly between her teeth. "But the greatest adventure of my long life was Ashley, just so you know, and I couldn't have done that without your contribution. I'm sorry you never had the chance to be a father to her."

"I'm sorry if I've ever given you the impression that I want more from you now than friendship. But I don't believe that being hurt that you would consider having had a family with me not amounting to anything."

John struggled to keep the anger and hurt out of his voice. Hearing her say that was more than he could take. John had imagined that if his possession hadn't happened, he could have made her happy, could have given her everything she wanted. Now he was finding she didn't really feel the same.

"I'm glad you've found happiness though, I am. Take care, Helen."

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