notsocommon | for John

Entry tags:

john,
tabula rasa

for John

Helen wasn't exactly the sort of person to avoid someone for a length of time except, well, when it came to John Druitt. He was the exception to most of her rules and since the disappearance of Joan last month (or not-disappearance, as it turned out) Helen had kept her distance. Feeling for even a moment that John might have betrayed her was too much to think about and having gotten so close to him again, it hurt to think he'd still hunt and kill women the way he had when they were younger.

It had made things strained with Will, too, and Helen obviously had more of an investment in preserving her relationship with her husband over rekindling a friendship with her ex and that had taken time. She had come to the labs to see Nikola, catch him for a chat and a cup of tea, but seeing John arrested her in her tracks.

"Ah, right. I should have known you'd make your way down here eventually. Have you seen Nikola?"

Damn, but this was awkward. Helen hated being anything but poised and perfect and, worse, she knew John would more than likely pick up on her discomfort. He knew her far too well.

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"I understand, I would never ask you to make your relationship with me a problem in your marriage," he said. He wouldn't ask her to, but he couldn't say that he'd never want it.

"Your happiness is more important to me than anything else, Helen. I cannot hold anything against you if it truly makes you happy."

"Surely there must be some sort of compromise," Helen said quietly, voice still a bit cracked from trying not to cry and mostly succeeding. "John, forgive me, I've gotten upset and I don't want to cry in public."

Or in front of him but he'd seen it before, at least.

"Could you take me somewhere private? Please?"

"Of course, come, let's go for a walk," he said, offering her his arm. He wanted to hug her, to pull her close and promise that he would find a way to make it all okay, but that wasn't his right and it would only make things more uncomfortable for Helen.

Helen took his arm and sighed, falling into step with him. It was natural enough even though it'd been years since she'd been arm in arm with John Druitt.

"Sorry, I just need for them not to see me cry. I've just been so frustrated of late and my emotions are everywhere."

"This way," he said, gently ushering her out of the area and using his size to shield her from anyone that might see her. If he could have shielded her from the pain she was feeling, he would have done that too.

"Just a short ways."

"So grateful," Helen said softly, giving him a watery sort of smile. "Looking like a fool in front of the entire island lab staff wasn't my idea of a good day."

She drew imperceptibly closer, comfortable with him for the first time in a long while.

"No one would think you a fool," he reassured her. He knew she would feel that way, but he also knew that no one would think so.

"But you do look like you could use a hug."

It was as subtle an offer as he could make. As much as he would have liked to just be able to hug her when she needed it, he knew that there were boundaries there.

"I could, yes," Helen admitted, giving him a sheepish sort of smile. "Will's not here, which I would prefer, but you don't suppose it breaches friendly lines to offer a hug, do you?"

She could and did hug Nikola often enough. This wasn't any different, was it?

"I feel that's something you're more qualified to answer than I am," John said. She was the one that was setting the rules, she essentially held on the power as far was what happened when.

"But I would like to give you one, if that would be alright."

Helen nodded. "I think a hug won't go remiss in this particular moment, no. And I don't think an embrace has ever been quite so discussed before, has it? You'd think we were negotiating a nuclear arms treaty, as cagey as we are about it."

Understandably so, though, and Helen made the first move and slid her arms around him.

John wrapped his arms around Helen and held her tight to him, offering her all the comfort he could give. John was more than willing to give as much of himself as possible to Helen, or at least as much as she was realistically willing to take.

"I'm sorry things have been so hard on you," he said, resting his head on hers for a moment. It was such a familiar gesture, even after all these years, that it was hard not to think about what it would be like to have this every day.

"This too shall pass," Helen said softly, squeezing him for a moment before stepping back. It wasn't the same as hugging Will, no, but it was exactly what she needed at the moment. She and John could hurt one another more deeply than any other people Helen had ever known and she had to wonder if it was because there was no grey area with them, no in between. Too volatile.

"Tea? I don't want Will to see me upset when I go home."

"Tea sounds lovely. I'm afraid we will have to settle for one of the pubs here, as my home is a bit of a distance," he confessed. Not an entirely convenient place, but it suited him and he was rather pleased with it. Of course, her home was out of the question, he knew better than to suggest that.

"I can make it for us in the kitchen," Helen promised. "I might be a mess at the moment but I'm English. Even in the midst of the Blitz, I could make tea. Damn good tea, at that. Of course, you were probably in the Luftwaffe bombing us, weren't you?"

John gave a tight smile that was more a wince. It seemed as if Helen was making him pay for his earlier comments, although he doubted that it was on purpose.

"You have always been exceptional at making tea. I think it was your natural aptitude for chemistry."

"Explains why James always made dreadful tea, then," Helen said, giggling. "And we won't even call Nikola's attempts actual tea. Yours was always good, though. One would think you were trying to impress a certain someone with tea making, hmm?"

"I did quite a number of things to impress a certain someone," John admitted, although he doubted that it was really surprise to her. Helen had been his entire world. Everything had involved her some way or another.

"Well, I'm not aiming to impress you," Helen warned, "But I would like to have a cup of tea with you as thanks for...not letting me embarrass myself in front of people I don't know. You know I so hate looking like a fool."

It was the dark side to her vanity, the fear of being seen as an imbecile or imperfect in any way.

"You never needed to try to impress me, I was head over heels the moment I first saw you," he admitted. She knew that though, he had told her many times. John liked saying it though.

"And while I don't think you could ever look a fool, I was glad to escort you out of a situation you didn't want to be in."

"I seem to have that effect on people. Will and Nikola tell me the same thing," Helen said lightly. "It's incredibly flattering, I must say. Much better than I ever expected as a young woman. Victorian society really didn't have their priorities straight."

Helen touched his hand lightly. "But it means quite a bit coming from you. It always did."

"No, they did not. But I cannot complain, it meant that you were not snatched up before I had the chance to meet you and for that I am selfishly grateful," John admitted. While he hated how the society had made Helen feel, he was grateful for how it had brought them together.

"But you are still the most incredible woman I have ever met, in any era."

"Flattery sometimes gets you places," Helen said wryly, fussing with her hair to dispel a little nervous energy. Sometimes, if she closed her eyes, it felt like being at Oxford all over again.

"But thank you, John. I know it's a sincere compliment. You've always been very straight-forward in your dealings with me. And others, I presume, but especially me, yes?"

"When I was able, I always tried to be honest with you," he said. Of course, when he lied, it had been a rather big omission, but that had been the only thing that he had been dishonest about.

"Perhaps it was easiest because I had such good things to say about and to you. It's easy to tell someone they are the most beautiful woman you have ever seen when it's the truth."

"I suppose it would be," Helen said softly. "Come on, tea? I keep talking about it and I've yet to actually bring you to the kitchens or brew it for you."

It made her nervous, getting compliments like that from John, and she hoped he realized it was the compliments and not his company.

"Yes, tea," he said with a nod, noticing her shift in mood. That was probably enough compliments for the time being. Too many and she would likely feel uncomfortable.

"I should tell you that I have found a place to live. I believe I'll be staying in Rapture for the time being."

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