notsocommon | apologies (for John)

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apologies (for John)

Helen was still nursing the remnants of a hangover from the evening before (too much fine champagne, too unused to her human metabolism) and had a splitting headache but, more than that, she felt like she owed John an apology for running him off the evening before. It was simply a friendly dance and she'd gotten too friendly and granted him an intimacy.

It was no more than she'd do to Sam and perhaps less than she'd grant Nikola or Kate but for John, a man who so tightly controlled his emotions in general and about her specifically, it was tantamount to offering a recovering alcoholic a tumbler of scotch: he couldn't resist and she shouldn't have done it.

The last time she'd wanted to meet John, she'd gone to Westminster Abbey and Helen had checked the churchyard without finding him. Wherever he was, he didn't want to be found, and when the wind was blowing a little too harshly for her cape to keep out, she ducked into a little bookshop that reminded her of one that she and John used to frequent when they were young. She would be so glad when the island was tropical again.

He wasn't there, of course, but Helen drifted toward the back anyway, toward where the poetry was kept and on a lark, she picked up a slim volume of William Blake that John had favored. They'd read it together, actually, and when she opened it, she was surprised to see a slip of paper fall out from between the pages.

Meet me tomorrow, Helen.

- John

And so, the next afternoon, she turned back up at the little bookshop and settled in to wait, making a valiant attempt at reading Hawthorne while she waited on him to show.

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"All the books in the store and you choose that?" he asked.

John hadn't been sure about coming here and the only reason he had was because he didn't think that she would find the note. It was more than a longshot, it was essentially an impossibility. Of course, when it came to Helen, the impossible wasn't exactly that.

He felt like such a coward running that night, but he knew that it was the best choice to make in the end. He knew all about removing himself from temptation and when it was necessary. John had just wished that it hadn't been necessary to remove himself from Helen. He had hid from her the day before, not sure if he was ready to face her just yet. Another day between then and now though and John felt as if he was ready to see her again.

"Blake was what we read together," Helen said, closing the book and folding her hands in her lap. "I didn't dare pull it to read while I was waiting for you. It would have been terribly inappropriate and since I already have apologies to make, I didn't want to make things worse."

This never got easier, it seemed, and she hated it. Hated hurting him.

"Shall I commence with the apologies?"

"You have nothing to apologize for, Helen," John said, frowning just a bit. He didn't want her to think that she had done anything wrong, because she hadn't. It was John's issue to deal with and she had been nothing but helpful and understanding.

"You have been nothing short of wonderful to me and any problems that arise from that are of my own nature and something I must deal with."

"I shouldn't have kissed you, John. I know it made you uncomfortable," Helen said, twisting her hands in her skirts nervously.

"The last thing I want is for you to feel like you have to get away from me for some reason. I shouldn't tempt you."

"On the contrary, it made me quite happy, which was precisely why I had to excuse myself," he explained. He wasn't sure that he could make Helen understand, it wasn't something you could really understand unless you were in that position.

"And I would have likely left not long after as it was."

"So you ran away because I made you happy? I don't follow, John," Helen said, frowning a bit as she tried to work it out.

"I thought I'd made you want to hurt me or something so that's why you left. Because I tested your control?"

"Helen, I have no desire to hurt you or anyone else on the island," he said. It made him sad that she thought he still had those impulses, that some of them were tied to him and not the creature, but he supposed that he could only correct that with time.

"I left not because I felt compelled to hurt you, but quite the opposite."

"Perhaps you should explain it to me," Helen said, frowning a bit deeper. "Because I need to know what to do to keep you from feeling like you need to run from me, all right? I don't want that to happen again."

"I don't honestly know, Helen. This is not traveled territory for me," he admitted. It was almost easier to understand when he wanted kill her and anyone that she was with.

"If I knew I would tell you."

"If you don't want to hurt me, what do you want? Why do you feel the need to flee?"

Perhaps he didn't know but she wanted to work it out, for both their sake.

"Because I am in love wih you," John said. The pain on his face was evident, he couldn't have hid it if he wanted to. John didn't want to lie to Helen, especially not now.

"And I cannot be with you like I want to, Helen. I have accepted this and I am more grateful for your friendship than you could imagine, but that does not mean this is easy."

"Oh," Helen said softly. Of the things she'd expected him to say, that should have been among them, and it simply hadn't occurred to her. He'd been a good friend since arriving on the island and the idea that it might be hard on him because of his feelings, well.

"I'm quite sorry, John. I am."

"You have no reason to be Helen, you have been nothing but incredibly kind and understanding."

Of course he wanted more, he would always want more, but he would be glad to have her friendship. It was just difficult to leave it there.

"I know it must sound strange to say I missed you but I truly did. You remind me of good years, when you're like this," Helen explained. "It reminds me of the times before Adam, before the Source blood, back when we were visionaries and trying to conquer the world one discovery at a time."

"I have missed you too, Helen. I have missed myself. And- Helen only in my wildest hopes did I ever think I could be myself. I dreamed that I would get to be with you again..."

He knew that he shouldn't have said it, he knew that it would only make things worse between them, but he couldn't help it. He wanted to make sure she knew.

"I dreamed of a family with you and our life together. But to be here, free of my madness but unable to be with you as I wish... I am sorry, you do not need to hear me feel sorry for myself."

Helen reached for his hands on impulse, unable to help herself, and threaded their fingers together.

"John, I wanted those things so much, I did, but they're no longer...there's so much history. I'm still trying to warm back up to you as my friend and I don't think you can ever understand just how desperately in love with Will that I am. I'm so in love with him that he denied me, told me he didn't care for me that way, and I was still sick over him. When have you ever known me to be that way?"

She squeezed his hands. "And yet, a part of me will always love you. Always."

"I love someone the same way, Helen, so I can imagine just how you feel," he said.

Nothing else she said could have hurt him more than to hear just how much she loved Will. Even under the influence of the energy creature he had never wished death on someone like he did Will. Unfortunately, the death or loss of Will would hurt Helen too much.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything," Helen murmured. "I didn't mean to. I just...we have the chance to be friends again and I don't like having to guard myself to protect you, if that makes sense? Kissing you was something I shouldn't have done, I guess, but it felt right. I wanted you to know I was happy to have you in my life."

"You don't have to worry about protecting me, Helen. It will take some time, but I will get used to things again. I will be fine."

That was perhaps a lie. John wasn't sure if he would ever be okay for several reasons, the least of which was because she kissed him on the cheek.

"Do you think it'll get easier someday?"

Helen hoped so, for both their sake. She missed being friends with John, missed laughing with him. She wanted the chance to tell him about Ashley and about the things he'd missed in her life when he'd gone mad.

"Absolutely it will," he said, smiling at her. He wasn't entirely sure if it would, John didn't think he would ever be any less in love with her, but perhaps the pain would be easier to deal with. After all, if this place was real then surely anything was possible.

"I'm sorry it's hard for you, I am just trying to do what is best for both of us."

"I'm sorry it's hard for you," Helen echoed back. "And I'm sorry that it's...it's not like flipping a switch, is it? I had time to mourn our love and to move on and I suppose you never really did, what with the energy being mucking up the works."

Helen squeezed his hand and simply held it for a moment. "I hope someday we'll be great friends, John."

John didn't think the energy being had anything to do with his lack of ability to move on. Truth be told, John didn't want to move on. He doubted that even here he would be able to. Even if he was capable, the chance of Will disappearing someday was far too likely and John couldn't pass that sort of chance up.

"I know we will be, Helen," he said, squeezing her hand back. "I am truly grateful to have you in my life again, no matter what small difficulties crop up now and again because of it."

"To new beginnings, then?" Helen asked, voice a little more hopeful than maybe it had any right to be. She really, really wanted this to work and hoped that with a little work on both their parts, they could honestly be good friends once more.

The alternative was something she simply didn't want to think about.

"To new beginnings."

It wasn't really something he wanted. He wanted the old back, what they had all those years ago. He knew it wasn't possible and was completely selfish to wish for it, but John couldn't help it, that was what he wanted.

But he would rather have a new relationship with her than none at all. Hopefully before too long he would have a better grip on himself.

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apologies (for John)

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