for Will

[notsocommon]

She hadn't meant to fall asleep. She'd been reading, a little, and then playing a game, and then she pushed the laptop beside her and stretched out on the bed, sleep falling over her.

She napped quite a bit lately and it bothered her; other than when she was pregnant with Ashley, Helen rarely slept. Here on the island she regularly got eight hours or more a night and, given Will spent most of his days busy with seeing patients and teaching classes, Helen found herself with a lot more available time than she normally ever had or wanted.

So she'd been taking to having long naps in her hut during the day, lest Will think her life rose and set on his schedule. She didn't want to seem desperate or clingy and push him away and trying to occupy herself had seemed the best idea.

...or sleeping. Either way.

Comments

[inabmovie]

"Did that help you?" he asked, still gently massaging, what he hoped was a soothing touch. "To take that back into your own hands like that." There was a part of him that was so angry on Magnus's behalf, even though this was something that happened over a hundred years ago, but he tried his very best to keep any of his feelings out of his voice.

[notsocommon]

"Some," Helen said, trying to curl in as much as she could while still leaving Will access to her back. Damned emotions.

"I wanted John back so much. I didn't think he would have done that. I thought wrong, I suppose. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even brought this up. I'm sorry, Will."

[inabmovie]

"Magnus..." His hands slowed on her back, then stilled, and when he saw that she was crying, he couldn't stand it anymore; he lay down behind her, curling his arm over her, spoon-fashion, and pressing his lips to her hair. He would have just hugged her, but he knew she was skittish about anyone seeing her cry, and if he wasn't facing her, she could pretend she hadn't, if she chose to. "You never, ever have to apologize for stuff like this," he said softly. "Not for needing to talk to me, not for needing anything from me. Ever."

[notsocommon]

"It happened over a century ago," Helen said bitterly, wiping her eyes. "I shouldn't be this upset. I've moved past it."

She had, to some extent, but sharing that intimate secret with another person was nervewracking and terrifying. Logically, she knew John's madness wasn't her fault, but she couldn't help but wonder if there was something she could have done.

If he'd known about Ashley, would that have spurred him into change? Would he have put down the knife and been a proper father? Helen couldn't say.

"I'm so sorry."

[inabmovie]

"You're allowed to be upset," Will told her. "There's no... statute of limitations, no time limit on how long you can have feelings about something. You feel how you feel, it's not supposed to be logical." He smoothed her hair, moving it back from her face, keeping close to her.

"Don't apologize, okay? Never apologize for your feelings."

[notsocommon]

"I'm not Dr. Magnus when I'm like this," Helen said, hating the way the words just spilled out. "I'm not what you want. Who you want. You spend all day with patients strung out and needy and draining you and you need me to be myself and I can't give you that when I'm like this, can I?"

[inabmovie]

He wanted to make her look at him, so he could look her in the eye and make her understand that she wasn't clinging or being needy or draining him or anything else, but that was absolutely the last thing she needed right now: to be handled or treated roughly in any way, or feel like he was judging her.

So he didn't do that. Instead, he smoothed her hair again, and then let his hand rest on her bare shoulder. "You don't need to be anything for me," he said. "You don't have to be a certain way, or put on a face for me. You don't need to be Dr. Magnus. You just need to be Helen, and Helen doesn't have to be perfect."

[notsocommon]

Helen rolled over then, laying his hand against her stomach and covering it with her own. That done, she let out a shaky little breath. Dear God, what a thing to admit.

"I've never told anyone as much as I've just told you. Not even James. Certainly never Ashley."

[inabmovie]

"That's a long time to keep this held in," Will said gently. "A really long time." He couldn't imagine carrying that around as long as she had, keeping it to herself with no outlet.

[notsocommon]

"I wrote it down once. James suggested that. If something was bothering me, to write it down and burn it. He found it to be incredibly cathartic. I never burned my letters, but I put them in bottles and floated them off the coast in Brighton one summer."

She smiled softly, wistfully, and touched his cheek. "You remind me so much of him, Will. So very much."

[inabmovie]

Will's smile was a little like hers, and he tilted his face a little against her hand. It was exactly the kind of thing he would have suggested if she'd felt she couldn't confide in him for whatever reason. "He was a really good man," he said quietly. "I just wish I'd had the chance to know him better."

[notsocommon]

"He was fond of you," Helen said, blushing a little with a memory. "He made the comment that he had to go out in a blaze of glory so he couldn't live long enough to be eclipsed by you. I think he meant it as a jest, but James never said anything that didn't have a kernel of truth in it."

She dropped her hand from his cheek and took his hand.

"He proposed to me, once. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I said yes."

[inabmovie]

Somehow, the idea that Watson had proposed to her wasn't really a surprise like it might have been. Watson had been very fond of her, that much had been obvious to Will, and his death had been hard on her. "Things might have been a lot different," Will allowed, squeezing her hand.

[notsocommon]

"I'm happy where we are," Helen said softly, curling against him. "I'm quite content to be with you, actually."

[inabmovie]

"And I'm happy to be with you." He slid his arms around her and held her close. Just holding her, not asking for anything else except her letting him hold her and comfort her how he could.

[notsocommon]

"This is very nice," Helen pointed out, tangling her legs with his and just curling against him, enjoying the moment of closeness. "I'm quite sorry I got upset."

[inabmovie]

"Will you stop with the apologizing?" Will said, though it was gentle. "You never have to apologize to me for that. Ever. You don't have to be sorry for having feelings."

[notsocommon]

"I just don't want to burden you," Helen said, shrugging. "I want to be your support sometimes, not always you holding me up."

[inabmovie]

"You're there for me when I need it," Will pointed out. "Halloween? Remember? I needed you then, and there you were." That had thrown him, really badly, and she'd known just what to do and say to fix it.

[notsocommon]

"I suppose you're right," Helen conceded. "I just worry about it. I've never been terribly open with my partners. It is certainly an adjustment."

[inabmovie]

"It's okay," he said. "I promise. It really is." He leaned in and kissed her cheek, and then just held her close to him.

[notsocommon]

Helen shifted a little and turned so she could cup his face and kiss him properly. She had shared a terrible intimacy and Will hadn't questioned her actions or her feelings and it meant the world to her.

She kissed him long and slow and deep, trying to express what she couldn't say in that action.

[inabmovie]

Will kissed her back just as meaningfully, but he let her set the pace of it. After that revelation, he was not going to push anything, least of all intimacy. He wanted to let her set the tone for what she needed right then, not him.

[notsocommon]

"Will," Helen said softly, shifting to lay on top of him. "I'm glad I told you even if it wasn't something pleasant. I'm sorry I keep things reserved."

[inabmovie]

Will slid his hands down her back, coming to rest on her hips. Not holding her there, just resting. "I'm glad you told me, too," he said. "And I'm glad you feel like you can open up to me, even if it's just a little at a time."