Grief (for Will; Oct 1)

[notsocommon]

Helen had been supposed to meet Juliet for breakfast at the Winchester on Saturday morning and when she hadn't showed, she'd gone to her hut. She was...gone. No sign of her things, no sign of her, nothing. She'd asked one of her neighbors, a silver-haired fellow named Jack O'Neill, and the two of them had searched for a while before Jack said that he couldn't find a trace of her and she must have disappeared from the island entirely. Helen thanked him for his help and her steps were heavy as she made her way back to see Will.

Her heart caught when Will was still there, feeding Roy, and her voice was slightly shaky when she spoke.

"Will? Could...could we talk for a moment, darling?"

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[inabmovie]

Will was pretty good at picking up on Magnus's tone of voice by now, and that tone was one that didn't mean anything good. "Yeah, sure," he said. Roy was finished with his bottle by now so Will got the little sloth cleaned up and put back in his basket. "What's going on?"

[notsocommon]

"Juliet's disappeared from the island."

Helen said it in a rush, words stilted, and she clenched and unclenched her fingers in order to tamp down her desire to reach out for Will and never let him go. Dear God, Juliet...to go back to that awful place when she'd been happy here, with Helen and Will? Helen never wanted that for her.

[inabmovie]

Will hadn't expected that, and it left him sitting there in stunned silence. He'd wondered now and then where people went when they disappeared, but he hadn't given it as much thought as he had how people got here in the first place. But Juliet... where the hell did she go? They'd worked out in her sessions that she was probably dead when she came here, so... what was left for her to go back to? Nothing.

[notsocommon]

"She was just here yesterday," Helen said softly. "And on the heels of Rodney...who's next, Will? Kate and Declan? Nikola? You?"

At the last, Helen choked on a sob, covering her mouth and turning away so he couldn't see. The idea of losing Will, even just the thought of it, was so terrifying that she didn't know how to deal with it.

[inabmovie]

"Don't even talk like that," Will said, and he was up and crossing the room to her in a couple of long strides to pull her into a hug. "Don't even say it." Not that he was superstitious or anything, but just her saying it gave him that spine prickly feeling that old wives' tales said was someone walking over your grave.

[notsocommon]

"I can't keep doing this," Helen whimpered, burying her face against his neck. "I can't, Will. Whenever someone gets close, I lose them, and I can't...I've lost so so many in my life and it just gets harder and harder, not easier."

[inabmovie]

"I know," he murmured, stroking her back. "I know." He also knew he'd have to remind her later that closing herself off wasn't the solution to this, no matter how much it hurt. But that was later, not now, not when the loss was so fresh and painful.

[notsocommon]

Helen couldn't help but cling to him, as pathetic as it might seem, because she didn't want him disappearing on her too. She couldn't lose Will. She couldn't.

"I don't tell you often enough how much you mean to me, Will, I don't, and...Will, I love you. I love you so much."

[inabmovie]

Will thought she told him a good bit, but if it made her (and him) feel better to say it again, it was fine. "I love you too," he said quietly. "Don't ever forget it, okay?"

[notsocommon]

"How could I?" Helen asked, giving him a watery sort of smile. "How could I ever forget how much you love me when you show it in every action, every breath?"

She held him closer. "I simply don't want to lose you."

[inabmovie]

Will kissed her temple, gently, just holding her. "And I don't want to lose you, either." He waited a minute, weighing his words, and then added, "And I don't want you to let this make you close yourself off. I know it's hard, but life isn't much if you don't connect with anybody, even if you lose them."

[notsocommon]

"I don't...I don't intend to close myself off," Helen promised. "It's just difficult in moments like this when all I can think about is the fact that I only get so many days on this earth with you, which I'm grateful for, but the idea that the island might take you from me and if we went back, we might not be the same..."

[inabmovie]

"I know," Will said. "But you have to think about in some ways, it's not a lot different than being back at home where anything could happen to one of us, say, in an accident. You never let that stop you there, and you can't let it run your life here, either."

Will sounded a lot more reasonable than he felt right then. It wasn't that he wasn't feeling the weight of Juliet's disappearance--because he was, and was taking it pretty hard--but he felt he had to be a little more optimistic for Magnus's sake.

[notsocommon]

"You're right, of course," Helen said, tugging his hand up to her lips to kiss. "And I've been trying to be happier, here, and embrace this life that I have with you. I want so many things with you, Will, so very many."

[inabmovie]

Will turned his hand over, touching her cheek. "I know you have," he said. And he was proud of her for trying, because he knew how miserable she'd been here, cut off from her work and her purpose. "But I'm just saying. I want you to be careful not to do that."

[notsocommon]

"There are people here that need me," Helen said, giving him a tiny smile. "My team, of course, but others too. I owe it to them to be emotionally available, don't I?"

[inabmovie]

"Almost," he said. He saw the tiny smile there and rubbed his thumb lightly at the corner of it, hoping she wouldn't let it fade. "We love you and don't want you to close yourself off, but you never owe anyone anything. Not like that. Okay?"

[notsocommon]

"All right," Helen said, smiling a little deeper when he touched her face. "Come hold me for a little while, Will? Please? I think I need to be held."